friendship

"Some 'friends' destroy eachother, but a true friend sticks closer then a brother"

- Proverbs 18:24

This hasbeen my fave verse for a veeeeery long time. To many it would seem like nothing special but to me it's a huge thing in my life. For as long as I can remember friends and family have always been huge things in my life. Wether we be ridiculoudly close friends, just looking for a good laugh or time friends, or a passing by 'hello' friends, ALL my friends mean the world to me.

I've always been thankful, and have voiced my opinion on several occasions because I think my friends deserve to know how good they make me feel, and how much they mean to me. It's taken me so long to be able to accept that, a true friend will stick around through the good and bad, & the highs and lows. I'm very thankful that my true friends, the ones that are closer then a 'brother' are in my life. I know that wherever I go in life although I have many friends, my concrete friends the ones that are all of the above: ridiculoudly close friends, just looking for a good laugh or time friends, or a passing by 'hello' friends. And honestly, I wouldn't change any of them for the world.

I grew up always with the group of guys. My life was basically centered around, "I don't know .. depends on what the guys got planned." I had really no girl friends, and I didn't really care. I don't know if anyone has realized this .. but girls can be mean, lol. I basically just wanted to avoid all of that, and therefore stuck with what was safe .. the boys. I wouldn't consider myself a straight out tom boy or anything, I always wanted a girl friend, but never really wanted to get into the whole girl thing. Although I was with "the guys" I still has "the girl" opinion in many topics. I still think of myself as very blessed to have been able to hang with guys because although I wonder what it would've been like to be with the girls, I learned a lot. They never took life too seriously, and they knew how to have fun out of the most simple things in life. For all I knew the girls were discussing, "who was doing what with who, where and why?" Meanwhile I'm discussing "what would taste better .."

As you grow up you start to see that void and when I started attending DS at the end of gr 8 I hung out with seven amazingly awesome Christian, God filled guys. They literally changed my life and re-defined a lot for me. They showed me how although I can have fun doing one thing with them how important it is to have the female influence in my life. I am very blessed to have been able to spend the time with them I did. Not many 16 yr old girls can say they spent all day Sunday with seven guys ages 19-22, haha. Lol. As I am growing up I am seeing the need to have a "girl friend" and I am happy to say that God has blessed me with the perfect friend(s).

I have one friend and she definetely makes life ineresting for me .. and herself. She can say or do the dumbest things ever and yet at the end of the day I go back ot her. I don't know if you have ever seen the movie, 'Dude, Where's My Car?,' but honestly, that's us in a nutshell. We argue and talk about the craziest things ever and come up with the weirdest scenarios you could ever imagine. She isn't very subtle about really anything .. haha .. and we could spend hours laughing about nothing .. interesting eh? I can tell her basically anything that I need to get off my chest because I know she'll listen and she can handle me being brutally honest and blunt with her. I don't know if anyone has a friend like this, but I reccomend getting one because literally, never a dull moment.

Then there's another when we're together people expect trouble. We laugh for hours about literally nothing. I did an all-nighter with her once which consisted of a 3 am dance party, 4 am trampoline visit, getting ready at 5 am for church, and then a walk accross Belleville to McD's and then to church. Meanwhile all we had that night was AMP Energy Drinks, and Doritos. We managed to stay awake for 26 hrs, both of us working earlier that day. It was pretty awesome. This is my, "this just totally happened.." girl. Whenever something happens thats really extreme, and probably boy re-lated I run to her. Text eachother every detail and we just talk it out. I never had this growing up so to be able to run to someone and be able to just freak out and probably over exagerate about what just happened, is awesome.

I love all my friends with all my heart. As I take the next steps in my life I start to leave behind all the stuff and people I was so use too. I'm done high school, and I'm not quite sure if it's hit me yet, I really don't think it has. But I'mn leaving some people I've gone to school with since JK behind and it's frightening. I wish the best for all my friends in the steps of their lives. I hope God is with them and that they know they can all and will do great things. I didn't get to go to school with all my friends but I am still proud of them all and just hope they know it. Anyways that's it for now.

- - trust the Lord with all your heart.

Addiction.

So recently I was given a bunch of music. Now when I say a bunch like I mean, A LOT. I had around 20 cds dumped on me and was told 'enjoy.' I did very much so. They were all Christian bands and one band stuck out for me from all the rest. This band is called: Fireflight.

Their lyrics seriously moved me in a way no other band has before. Everything about their lyrics is, or was my life. It's crazy. Whenever I feel down and like you know, enoughs enough. I listen to them over and over again. They're a pick me up, and they make me reflect on my life and choices. Which is something that I have been known to do, but not always positively.

They have on song called, You Gave Me A Promise, and this is the song that was officially titled as the, "get back up and keep on keepin on", song. This past May/June I went through some really tough times with friends and relationships, and I depseretly wanted to throw the towel in and give up. It was because of this song that I was able to be like, no God gave me a promise there is NO way I'm giving up, even if things don't go exactly how I want.

I would go to my comp, iPod, stereo whatever was closests at the time sit and just blare the song and sing the lyrics like no one was listening. You have no idea how big of a relief it was because on earth in that moment I may have looked like a freak, but to God I was in need and he was there for me. He saw my desperation and because of this song it let me release it without any care of what people were thinking. I don't really know if anyone will be able to relate to this, but I felt weightless the moment the song came on.

The song opens with:
"The waves are crashing down on me
But I know that this cannot be the end, be the end...
Right now I feel like copping out
Will You hold me up, if I just say
That I will stay"

To hear these words when you feel like screaming and pulling your hair out is like having God breathe the breath of life into you again. It took me awhile to be able to accept that things are hard & will "crash down on me" and really I can't do a whole lot about it except trust in God. For some time I was in the mind set of, "I don't need to do it, God will .. if it's meant to be." Which is a horrible way to live your life. Yeah, God will help you and direct you, but he won't hold your hand and take you through everything making every decision for you. Yes, he never leads your side, but we were given freedom for a reason. Of we refuse to use it, we're the real fools in all of this, because he's told us this.

So as I started to get through all my issues that erupted mid 2009, I am still addicted to Fireflight. I started listening to their older stuff, and to my utter disbelief they "wowed" me once again because their older cd is about exactly what I'm dealing with now. As of now in my life I am having a really had time with relationships, and not just romantic. Although that was part of the problem in June, it's the biggest obsticle today. Leaving in October, I don't know what I should do or not do. I'm left trying to make the right choice, and God has left me to do this one on my own, butnot neccesarily alone. He knows I can do it, and I know I can do it, but I'm really petrified of leaving things and making wrong choices.

For a fact I know God has never left me but recently with all the arguing going on, and the deicisions and so much indecision I don't understand how I can come to a conclusion that leaves everyone and thing happy in the end. I know I can't please everyone, but that's the thing, who do I include in my deicision making, and what if in the end the people that matter the most are the most unhappy? Did I fail at my deicision making, even though I'm happy? Right now I am praying with all my heart to God for something because although He knows I can do this alone, I don't truly understand how to.

"This world is always trying to take a piece of me
But You are always there to make me feel complete
If I can keep my eyes on what You have for me
I will face the truth and never look away
You'll show me the real me

It's You that I search for
It is You I can't live without
Your hope is what I long for
When nothing's left in me
It's You"

I read these lyrics and I'm able to agree full heartedly but yet I'm like okay God so .. show me it .. and I just don't see it. But honestly I think I do, I don't want too because I'm scared or fear what may come about, or what may not. I'm not pro at bearing my heart and soul espeically in situations where I don't know what's going on in the other persons head. I'm trying to live my life for God, and let things take their course, but it's so hard because you hear so much whether it be drama, lies, the word .. whatever it may be it's what's clouding my head. It's so irrittating because when I think I got the answer, or understand what's happening or why it's happening the way it is something comes up. My thoughts and ideas, beliefs everything is thrown of balance and I find myself back to square one.

This leads me to yet another reference to Fireflight, if you haven't seen why I love them you're not paying close enough attention:
"You party and dine with the fattest of swine
But your stink can't hide behind closed doors
Get your hands off my face, I won't shudder and shake
What you're selling, I won't buy anymore

Why do you lie to make me love you?
Is it your insecurity?
Have fun with your selfish ways and misguided thoughts
Cause you will always be...liar"

The world is so full of lies and torment, and I love this verse because it's so true. Although the life full of lies may seem like the route to take, and we feel like we're constantly winning .. it won't last forever. It can't last forever because we were only made for a short period of time and if you find all your joy within the earth then you'renot living right. That's the hardest part in all this deicision making. I'm trying to live my life for God, but without a fear of living, but am constantly being dragged through the mud and muck. I just want to tap out and scream that's it, I'm done. But I know no matter how hard things may be now, they would be so much worse if my dependence was on my own understanding. Like the song says, "have fun with your selfish ways and misguided thoughts." I don't want to be wound into that mess. I already got a pretty tangledup life without the lack of faith.

This is the link to the song, You Gave Me A Promise. It's really awesome. Below are the lyrics as well. I hope they speak to you like they did .. and still do to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-743Arg-Liw

"You Gave Me A Promise"

The waves are crashing down on me
But I know that this cannot be the end, be the end...
Right now I feel like copping out
Will You hold me up, if I just say
That I will stay

I will hold on to this hope that I have
You gave me a promise
You gave me a promise
I'll push through this moment, I'll never give up
You gave me a promise
You gave me a promise
I'm so tired that I can't stand

But I know that time will heal this heart, heal this heart...

With every door that's slamming shut
A new one's there to lead me where You are

You, You call out to me
You're just out of reach
But I'm closing in
I'm still going, still believing in Your word

xo
ox

- - trust the Lord with all your heart

but He knows where I am going ..

"I go to the east, but he is not there. I go to the west, but I cannot find him. I do not see him in the north, for he is hidden. I turn to the south, but I cannot find him. But He knows where I am going. And when he has tested me like gold in a fire, he will pronounce me innocent."

- Job 23:8-10

I really feel that today although I know God is here with me throughout each day, my faith is constantly being tested. Not in a sense where God wants to see how far I can go before failing, but rather how far he can take me with succeeding in life, gaining an abundance of hope, inspiration, faith, and all in all a better understanding of why I am doing, what I am doing in life. Although I may not know why I am doing half the stuff I am, God does. Really that's all I need in life, because He has the perfect plan for me whether I see it now or not. That's the hardest part for me because I don't understand why I have to go through the stuff I have. Although I have it better then a lot, life does get hard .. for everyone. Recently it just seems like event after event, word after word, and negativity are piling down on me. It's never easy to try and always see the light in things especially when it seems like you've done everything possible. But yet there's always one more thing that you have to deal with.

"We are human, but we don't wage war with human plans and methods. We use God's mighty weapons, not mere worldly holds. -- The trouble with you is that you make your decisions on the basis of appearance. You must recognize that we belong to Christ just as much as those who proudly declare that they belong to Christ."

- 2 Corinthians 10:3-4;7

I am really blessed to know the people I know and be involved in the church I am involved with. There is no other place that is overwhelmingly opened armed, and caring about your problems like Desert Stream. The church is just exploding with people who have a desire to explode with God's love, joy and mercy.

On Sunday I was given the verse above, 2 Cor 10: 3-4;7 , and it really touched my heart. It's one of those things you become so use to hearing it, that when it's time to put it to the test it completely slips your mind. You sit there and it takes that bonk of the head for you to realize 'oh yeah, I'm a child of God .. I don't need to suffer, or live in complacency anymore .. my indecision isn't a problem and my fears have already been resolved.' It's good to know that there are people out there who are willing to step up and out in God's name and word willing to share, the word of God with complete faith. I hope to be able to pick up these attributes from the leaders in my church, and to be bold enough to begin today a path of God's love, passion and desire to be one with each and every person living, young and old. To me there's no better feeling then the feeling of love, trust, companionship, to be true in a world full of lies and deceit, and a desire to be someone for God, and when people see me they don't see the world, they see a light. Something that you can only find in the heart of someone who obviously loves God more then their own breath.

xo
ox

the begining

So this is my very first blog. I'm not totally sure how this goes .. yet. So I'm just going to use this as kind of a introduction to me, and kind of what I'm about and stuff. So here we go ..

So I just turned 18, June 20th, and graduated high school this year. So it's easy to see the complications arising even now. This has meant making decisions that could potentially effect my whole life. I never really realized what next in my life until last night lying in bed, where I do my best thinking, I was like of like, 'okay this is it ... '

My goal in life is to be a social service worker and eventually open my own Christian Girls Group Home in the area, and become a youth pastor as well. I look at these dreams, goals, ambitions, aspirations .. whatever you label them as and they seem so far, but so close at the same time. Although I have yrs of schooling .. they're right there. These next steps in my life I have been contemplating for a while now.

I had to make decisions that involved either me staying here, or moving away for a year. Not an easy decision to make especially when they move could change you so much. My problem with my decision was, 'I don't want to lose myself the in midst of finding myself ..' Which I thought was pretty reasonable, but I found I couldn't live constantly fearing what's next. So come Oct I'll be moving to Renfrew to live with extended family for a yr (August 2010) working full-time, gaining independence, and I guess just growing up & finally becoming the person I always wanted to be. It's scary, but after much indecision, a girl's gotta go what a girl's gotta do. Aside from all of that I found out I'll probably have a car all to myself for a year, which is really cool. I'll be able to come home whenever I feel the need to. It's all going to work out, and aside from being petrified out of my mind, I am anxious to start life.

Aside from that part of my life the rest is just hectic as of now, a definite 'caution: danger zone.' But one day I'll be able to write about it with defeat .. so anyways for now .. this is Candace's blog.

xo
ox